Why Narcissists Don’t Show Up When You Need Them

They can absolutely connect empathetically. Especially if they’ve had a little bit more life experience. What they can’t do is behave in a way that supports you and them. What happens is they seem absolutely normal, maybe a little bit wonderful. Then what happens is two things, either both or at least one. They don’t show up when you really need them, when you look back at the relationship, you realize they were always there for you in word, but never quite indeed. And when it comes for them to be there for you, they won’t, and you’ll be devastated.

Additionally, you may look back and realize that each time you thought they were a bit wonderful, you ended up feeling a tiny bit worse about yourself. So when you appreciated them, somehow you managed to depreciate yourself. You’ll find that very slowly their boundaries were encroaching on yours, and you were submitting more and more to their needs and opinions. Eventually, you’ll find yourself in a weakened state, waiting on them, or needing something from them in order for you to be okay.

In the short term, they can make you feel connected, but in retrospect, you’ll realize the deficits. Maybe people who are very sensitive might feel the deficit in the beginning because they won’t feel as good around the narcissist. But narcissists can be very emotional, adorable, and loving. It’s just when it comes time for the narcissist to elevate you, or put your first, or sacrifice for you, you’ll end up hurt and regretful. The longer you stay around them, the more profound the deficit and betrayal. But in the beginning, they seem terrific. And they connect very well. It’s just ever so slightly at your expense that you may not even notice and may not mind paying.